A Cursory Review of the Eateries at Chicago O'Hare Airport

Editor's Note: This rant was contributed by LordFizzlebeef and is being posted "as is". All angry bile is preserved as originally written... because it's funny.

Fizzle spends the next 5-6 hours reviewing restaurants in the Chicago O'Hare Airport because his shit got fucked. The rules are simple, no obvious chain restaurants or those fuckin deli freezer stand things. Let's begin.

Concourses E and F

Skybridge Bar and Grill

Here's my first problem with this place. There's like one standing table with fuckin 5 foot high chairs. The menu yells "Chicago whatever" but at a decibel level you know is like, corporately powered. There's nothing fun here, it's just burgers and shit.

Anticipation Rating: C-

Chicago Blackhawk

The place screams "depressed sports fan" which is a mood I'm into at the moment, however a look at the menu has even real estate between food and booze, which is a major issue for me. The food that does exist is sad. Sad sammiches, sad burgers, and $10 says that famous chili is out of a famous can.

Anticipation Rating: C

Concourse G

Brioche Doree

What at first looks like passable breakfast deli has, upon closer inspection, a loooot of incredibly plastic looking preassembled sammiches. A closer look at the freezer shows shit that could be from a plastic factory on the other side of the planet. This is a trap.

Anticipation Rating: D

Cubs Bar and Grill

This is a less sad sports bar in that my Denny's sense is clicking off the scale at the sight of this place. From the board cheerfully reminding us that the Cubs are world series champs of 6 years ago to the burger bar named after some asshole to the fuckin Buffalo wings named "The Hawks" because apparently some other non-burger asshole gave this sports bar the concept of fried wings in Buffalo sauce, as though they had never heard of it.. This is a clownshow. If I needed "shadows of the Denny's empire" I'd stop here. But I'm not in that mood.

Anticipation Rating: C+

Concourse K

Macaroni Grille

Italian Restaurant.jpg but there's two big problems tanking the rating here. #1: only two starters and one of them is salad. #2: Shit with "mom's" in the title. I'm almost 100% sure that the ingredient quality in there is suspect at best if they have to use all the freezer space on the rest of the ingredients.

Anticipation Rating: B-

Tortas Frontera

Looks like a nice, good, efficient burrito factory. If I was in the mood for Mexican this would be a strong contender. Don't ever reach for their soup and salad though that shit is straight out of the bag.

Anticipation Rating: B

I have my rules and I'm sticking to them but if you're wondering why results are few and far between it's because I have shit like this to contend with.

Wolfgang Puck Express

First off, fucking Wolfgang Puck Express sounds like Gordon Ramsay drive thru. You are killing the whole fucking point in your execution. Second, the unironic use of live laugh love live love eat is like a fucking claxon for Karens. Fuck eating in a place where I'm surrounded by people jockeying for position in line to talk to the manager.

Finally, that fucking menu just looks dull as shit. It looks like it was written straight from the corporate board. It's almost horrifying.

Anticipation Rating: F

"Concourse K: Home of the food court that is 50% liquor." Starbucks and sammich place are perma closed, all that's left is a bar and that bad cafe brioche.

Concourse H

The reward for making it to the end of concourse H: pure misery.

Terminal 5 is apparently so rough and cursed that not only is it numerically separated from the well behaved 1-3 terminals but you also have to leave and re-enter security to get there, so we'll be skipping that bullshit. We journey to Terminal 1.

Hub Between Terminals 1 and 2

Summer House

The decor caught my eye immediately but for a place that is just burgers and sammiches I have a feeling they dumped all the money on atmosphere to distract you from subpar food. And I doubt they have an "original" egg sammich unless this is just secretly an old people food hole. Which I cannot rule out.

Anticipation Rating: C-

I'm starting to doubt the sammiches are freshly made... Or exist.

Concourse B

Stefani's Tuscany Cafe

This place is a fucking ghost town, which feels like a MASSIVE red flag but I can't find anything inherently wrong in the menu other than a <33% alcohol rate and admittedly high prices. This might be a sleeper hit. Or a tragedy.

Anticipation Rating: B

There are two sushi Bars spotted so far that are currently not doing the sushi part. They just gave up on the suspect sushi and are like "fuck, look at our empty refrigerator and drink."

The long march has concluded. I have seen all of what this airport has to offer, and it largely sucks ass.

Concourse C

Berghoff Cafe

Sammiches. 30 minutes hike all the way here and through here. For sammiches. And make no mistake, these are NOT good sammiches. A supermassive red flag is the fact that the counter has example sammiches on it in case you didn't figure out what a fucking turkey BLT was.

This place kinda sums up the day so far.

Anticipation Rating: B

I'm starving. My feet hurt. There's really only one choice.

No but actually I went to the Italian place.

The Review

Stefani's Tuscany Cafe

Appetizer: Calimari

Our journey begins. Yay calimari.

They nailed the cook on the calimari, but the marinara is completely lifeless.

Rating: B

Main Dish: Chicken Montecarlo

I am obligated to point out I did not alter the presentation. I don't know if I hate it or I want to give the manly ART head nod.

There was something missing from the chicken and honestly I think it was just salt.

Rating: B-

Also, my flight is finally on the board, and I have to go through the final dungeon.