The Final Fantasy IV Pixel Remaster OST and Everything Wrong with It

Editor's Note: This rant was contributed by LordFizzlebeef and, as with Part One, is being posted "as is". All angry bile is preserved as originally written... because it's funny. Also, while we'd love to link directly to the Pixel Remaster sountrack, currently there isn't an official posting for it accessible outside of Steam and the game itself. If you are interested in listening along you may have to purchase the soundtrack officially or find the sparing tracks unofficially posted on YouTube.

I've got a little time to kill so let's do that with part two in an ongoing series: "what the shit is this ff4pr soundtrack".

Track 16: Damcyan Castle

IT'S FLAT. This clarinet has way more flat notes than the original. Also who the fuck invited the choir? LITERALLY WHY and no, it's not because it's shitbard castle. Shitbard castle shares soundtrack entry with another castle later, and I think something else. This choir solo, seriously turns it from "oh no muh sad shitbard castle" into "fuck are we warming up to fight sephiroth or something I didn't bring my knights of the round"

Track 17: Sorrow and Loss

Oh hey, they snuck in a good track on accident. It actually sounds good and remixy/remastery. Huh. I guess some gems made it through the quality control process.

Track 18: Edward's Harp

Can't spring for a real fuckin harp so we get this fuckin faux banjo bullshit

Track 19: Mt. Ordeals

This track upsets me. And not because there's anything wrong with it but because it highlights something wrong with the rest of the soundtrack. We have upbeat piano opening, it's great. We have multiple strings, we needed them in so many other fuckin tracks. We have strings in harmony with the flute when it comes in (LOOKING AT YOU FUCKIN INTO THE DARKNESS). We DON'T have any weird dumb meandering jazz solos, or the fuckin sephiroth choir cameo, or a depressed violin. WHY WASN'T THIS ELSEWHERE. Fuck.

Track 20: Fabul

Look, I'll be honest, I didn't have a lot of attachment to the original Fabul track, so I see them ticking off all of the "look just shotgun asian instruments at it and call it a day" box and sure, it's fine.

Track 21: Run!

It's at this point in the soundtrack that I am convinced that the asshole who did 1-16 did not touch 19, 20, or 21. We got the instruments right, we got a present baseline (could be more presenter but strong effort), and we have notes of cacophony towards the end of the loop that actually work (LOOKING AT YOU FUCKIN BOMB RING). This is another actually good track.

Track 22: Suspicion

Add 22 to the list of tracks that Nobuo's grandson wasn't allowed to touch. Strings good, baseline good, the harp is a little out of place but it's a carry over from the original and it's buried so I'll allow it. This is just good. Real good stuff.

Track 23: Golbez, Clad in Darkness

STRONG villain theme. Addition of the bass drum smashes with chime strike really helps add weight where it needs to go. 36 second mark it starts to feel awfully castlevania around these parts and that's a really good thing.

Track 24: Hey, Cid!

Trumpet is back to his AA meetings and his sponsor is keeping a tight leash on him, which is nice. He really fell off the wagon for a while there and I feel like Battle 2 was his wake up call. And the string section came back to work, and they're awake his time. FUCKIN SHIT WHY ISN'T THE FRONT THIRD LIKE THIS.

Track 25: Mystic Mysidia

What the fuck is this faux EDM bullshit, it's fuckin mysidia not a god damn rave club on sedatives. Also if you're going to go this route CRANK THE FUCKIN BASS and also there is a violin lost in the background around 45 seconds in, I don't think he ever got the sheet music but they sent him on stage anyway. WE'RE BACK TO SHITBURG BOYS, STRAP IN.

Track 26: A Long Way to Go

I'm a little confused by the weird middle-eastern undertones to this. Also it's kinda falling apart around 45 seconds in with too many overlapping melodies. Like, if we could have just slid some of these instruments together this would have been great, but instead I'm just left asking "okay but why tho"

Track 27: Palom & Porom

Yep, that sure is the Palom & Porom theme. Let's uhh... move on.

Track 28: Battle with Four Fiends

TRUMPET NOOOO YOU WERE SOBER FOR SO LONG. WHY THE FUCKIN DRUNK TRUMPET GOTTA COME BACK. WHY YOU GOTTA SHIT UP ANOTHER GREAT BOSS BATTLE THEME WITH YOUR FUCKIN JAZZ HORSESHIT. WHY. FUCKING WHY. I hate this. I hate this so fuckin much. Why settle for single trumpet on fuckin absinth when we could have had BRASS SECTION BLOWING OUR SHIT UP. Why settle for the three strings who decided to stick around out of awkward duty to their substance abusing trumpet friend when we could have had THE WHOLE GOD DAMN ORCHESTRA WE MANAGED TO FIND LIKE 6 TRACKS BACK. I hate literally everything about this.

Track 29: The Airship

Drum intro is completely unnecessary, also this feels fucking sedated compared to the original. Also, we decided reverb is for losers or the air doesn't vibrate or insert fuckdumb rationalization here for why there's no depth to this track. I want to feel like I'm flying at warp speed in an uncontrolled airborne hotdog, not feel like I'm taking a leasurely countryside drive while my ears won't pop.

Track 30: Trojan Beauty

Okay, Sad Violin? BELONGS HERE. No where else, only here. Just pay them for the fuckin day, don't give them fuckin participation trophies in the other tracks he has no business being in. This is fine, bordering good. Much better when the celtic flute comes in and the strings backup later. Takes a while for this track to warm up apparently.

Thus ends part 2 in our ongoing series "somebody please talk to the trumpet I am legit concerned for his health and wellbeing."