Writer's Workshop

I don’t know why this idea came to me. My brain just wandered when my wife asked me something and, after my response, she said, “man, you’re right.” I laughed and said, “I do know best,” and then my brain turned it into a 1950s sitcom name, “Husband Knows Best” before immediately warping it into “Mother Knows Best”, a 1950s-style sitcom featuring Norman Bates. The evolution of the idea happened so fast that it’s like the concept was just sitting out there, waiting for someone to think of it. And then, once I did, there was no way to escape it.

And so we’re stuck with this. A pilot episode for a dumb sitcom set around the Bates Motel. I apologize, but you’re welcome.

Mother Knows Best, Pilot: Part 1

FADE IN.

EXT: NEIGHBORHOOD NEAR BATES MOTEL. DAYTIME.

We see a father, JOE, drive up through a row of houses in a development, all of them boxy and cookie-cutter and the same (aside from their pastel paint jobs).

EXT: NEIGHBORHOOD. JOE AND MARY’S HOUSE. DAYTIME.

JOE pulls into his driveway, gets out, and stretches. Dressed in a business suit, he’s clearly coming home from work, a fact confirmed when he reaches into his car and pulls out his briefcase. Standing back up, he turns and looks across the state road that acts as the main thoroughfare outside the housing development, as well as the dividing line between development and highway.

EXT: BATES MOTEL.

We see NORMAN with a big, heavy, sheet-wrapped load over one shoulder. He carries it to a car and dumps it unceremoniously into the trunk. He looks around, a little shifty, before closing the trunk. As he turns, he sees JOE looking at him. He waves.

EXT: NEIGHBORHOOD. JOE AND MARY’S HOUSE. DAYTIME.

JOE waves back. He shrugs, and turns to his house where MARY, his wife, is standing at the door, smiling at him.

MARY:

Did you have a good day in the office?

JOE:

I did, MARY, but I am glad to be home.

He looks back over at the Bates Motel for a moment.

EXT: BATES MOTEL.

NORMAN gets into the car, starts it up, and quickly, with a bit of tire squeal, drives off.

EXT: NEIGHBORHOOD. JOE AND MARY’S HOUSE. DAYTIME.

JOE shakes his head.

JOE:

Kids and their cars.

MARY:

What’s that, JOE?

JOE shrugs.

JOE:

Nothing.

INT: LIVING SPACE, JOE AND MARY’S HOUSE, DAYTIME.

JOE and MARY walk into their house. He sets his briefcase by the door and shrugs off his business suit before untying his tie. In the time it takes for him to get into a more relaxed attire, MARY has a martini poured for each of them. She hands him his drink and they sit on a pair of couches to just chat after a long day.

JOE:

Do you know anything about that NORMAN fellow?

MARY:

Who?

JOE:

The boy who runs the hotel across the street.

MARY:

Oh, NORMAN BATES. No. I mean, I just know that he runs that hotel with his mother. They live in the big house on the hill above. But I haven’t really seen him much beyond that.

JOE:

So he’s a hard worker.

MARY:

You could say that. He’s always puttering around there.

JOE:

I saw him carrying out a load of something earlier. It looked quite heavy.

MARY:

So he’s strong.

JOE:

A strapping lad.

MARY:

Our JANE might like him, then.

JOE:

Oh, don’t give me worries, MARY.

They laugh, and then JANE comes in from outside.

JANE:

Hello father, mother.

MARY:

JANE! Come over and tell us about your day.

JOE and MARY set down their drinks and light up cigarettes while JANE takes off her coat, sets down her backpack, and comes over to sit next to her mother.

JANE:

It was boring. Mr. Feldman, the English teacher, assigned us this dumb book we have to read.

JOE:

Now, dear, reading isn’t dumb.

JANE:

I know. I already read the book. It’s dumb. The author doesn’t write in a consistent style, his use of metaphor is lacking, and he has no idea how to write from the female perspective.

JOE and MARY share a look, smiling at each other.

JOE:

I stand corrected. Say… we were just talking about that NORMAN guy across the street and-

JANE:

NORMAN BATES? God, he’s so weird, dad.

MARY:

Is weird good? I can’t keep up with you kids and your slang anymore.

JANE:

No, mom. He’s just… weird. Kind of a mama’s boy.

MARY hugs her daughter.

MARY:

There’s nothing wrong with loving your mother.

JANE:

Gross, mom. But no, he’s just strange. Always around that hotel. Sticks to himself.

JOE:

Just sounds to me like he’s busy and lonely.

MARY:

Stuck there, just him and his mother.

JOE:

Say, he’s close to your age. You should go over and talk to him. Maybe help get him out of his shell.

JANE:

Talk? To NORMAN BATES?! I’d be laughed out of school.

MARY:

Now, honey, what have we always said about judging others?

JANE:

I know. Judging others shows judgment on yourself.

MARY:

That’s right. I baked some brownies earlier today. Go make up a plate and take a few over to him this evening.

JANE:

At night?!

MARY:

The cool air will do you some good.

JOE:

It builds character.

MARY:

Healthy air for a healthy life.

Both adults take a long drag on their cigarettes.

JOE:

Too true.

CROSSFADE.

EXT: BATES MOTEL. NIGHT.

We see JANE, dressed up nicely with a sweater and a poodle skirt, come over to the hotel lobby. She pushes her way through the main door.

SFX: Bell ringing

INT: BATES MOTEL. FRONT LOBBY. NIGHT.

JANE comes up to the desk, a small plate of brownies in her hands. NORMAN, hearing the chime from the door, shuffles around off screen.

NORMAN (OFF SCREEN):

Coming! I’m coming…

JANE looks over as he emerges from the back offices. NORMAN looks sheepish, like he’d been caught doing something wrong.

NORMAN:

Uh, yes, uhm… can I help you.

JANE, bubbly and perky, puts out her hand.

JANE:

I’m JANE.

NORMAN ignores her hand and pulls out the guest book. He starts writing in it.

NORMAN:

JANE. Last name?

JANE:

Oh, no no. I’m not staying here.

NORMAN looks confused, but closes the book.

NORMAN:

We don’t serve food. There’s a diner down the road if you’re looking-

JANE brings up the brownies and smiles.

JANE:

I’m your neighbor. From across the road. The pink and yellow house.

NORMAN squints past here at the houses.

NORMAN:

They’re all pink and yellow.

JANE:

I just wanted to come by and introduce myself. Well, my parents wanted me to. They said they saw you.

NORMAN looks worried.

NORMAN:

Did they?

JANE:

They said you seemed nice.

NORMAN now just looks confused.

NORMAN:

Did they?

JANE slides the brownies over to him.

JANE:

Have a brownie. Homemade!

NORMAN looks disdainfully at the sweets.

NORMAN:

Mother wouldn’t like that.

JANE looks around, then gets a smile on her face and leans over the counter.

JANE:

She’s not here, is she?

NORMAN gets a look on his face, but nods, stealing a brownie and chewing on it.

NORMAN:

It’s good.

JANE:

Good! So you, like, work here all the time.

NORMAN nods as he chews.

NORMAN:

I take care of the hotel for Mother.

JANE:

Doesn’t she work here, too?

NORMAN shakes his head.

NORMAN:

No. She’s in the house. She doesn’t get around much anymore.

JANE:

Oh no! What happened?

NORMAN gives a little smile.

NORMAN:

She had an incident. She doesn’t talk much about it… or anything…

JANE nods.

JANE:

It must be tough for her. Good thing she has a nice son to help her, like you.

NORMAN:

Oh yes. I’ve done what I can to her.

JANE:

That’s great!

She looks around.

JANE:

So, ever see anything weird when you’re-

SFX car engine.

A car drives up and a worried looking woman, MARION, comes in, a briefcase in her hands.

MARION:

I need a room. Please.

NORMAN nods. JANE looks the woman over, then shrugs.

JANE:

I should get going. Enjoy the brownies, NORM.

NORMAN:

I will.

JANE leaves through the door as MARION moves up to the counter.

EXT: NEIGHBORHOOD. JOE AND MARY’S HOUSE. NIGHTTIME.

JANE walks back into her neighborhood and up to her house.

INT: LIVING SPACE, JOE AND MARY’S HOUSE, NIGHTTIME.

JANE comes in, sweeping into the living room. JOE and MARY are there, reading and sipping on drinks. MARY looks up when JANE comes in.

MARY:

How’d it go?

JANE:

Oh, you know. He does seem nice.

MARY:

Yeah?

JANE nods and she sits down on the couch.

JANE:

Yeah. He works all day at the hotel and also takes care of his infirm mother.

MARY:

Oh, what a sweet boy.

JANE:

Yeah, although some of the people that come through that hotel…

JOE:

Now honey, what’d we say about judging people?

JANE:

I know, dad, but this one woman that just came in… I don’t know. She just seems like trouble.

MARY:

Are you worried about her?

JANE:

Not her. NORMAN. She could be bad news.

JOE:

He’s a big strong lad. I’m sure he can take care of himself.

EXT: BATES MOTEL. EXTERIOR BREEZEWAY.

“MOTHER” walks down the row of hotel rooms, slowly moving towards where MARION’s car is parked.

INT: LIVING SPACE, JOE AND MARY’S HOUSE, NIGHTTIME.

JANE:

I guess. I’d sure hate it if anything bad happened over there.

JOE:

Nothing bad could happen. This is a safe neighborhood.

MARY nods.

MARY:

Who’s up for strawberry sundaes?

INT: BATES MOTEL. MARION’S ROOM. NIGHTTIME.

SFX: Shower noise.

We see the shower curtain open, water running in the bathroom, red splashed along the wall. “MOTHER” moves through the shadows, heading to the front door of the room.

EXT: BATES MOTEL. EXTERIOR BREEZEWAY.

JANE:

Eh… I’m not really hungry.

MARY:

Oh, I’ll have none of that. Mother knows best.

MARY winks at the camera.

FADE TO BLACK.

End of Pilot, Part 1:

And then we cut to commercial. This is only part one, so there will be a second half as, at this point, I at least need to finish this episode.

Yes, I know there was a TV show based on Psycho, and some people liked it. Personally, I found Bates Motel to be tedious and tiring. I just wanted Norman to kill people, not worry about his family life before he butchered and stuffed his mother. That show didn’t have what I wanted. This, though, seems appropriately dark and silly. That suits the material much better, I think.

Anyway, part two will come, and then we’ll likely close the book on this. I don’t feel a great need to write more than a pilot for this silly idea.