Writer's Workshop

I do not watch police procedurals. By and large I find them stupid and tiresome. The same story, repeated in different ways over and over again, all while spreading copaganda. I have better things to do with my time, like watching a bunch of horror films (which, for me, are far more fun). Still, once in a while I get some weird, funny ideas in just about every genre. Sometimes it's a police procedural. I want to share these ideas, but since I no longer use Twitter (or whatever name the network has this month), I have to find someplace else to share my ideas. Like here.

Thus we have a few short scenes I came up with mashing together the long-running Law & Order franchise with horror tropes. This is silly, but fun. Enjoy!

Law & Order: Creeps and Crawlies Unit

We start at a crime scene, with the detectives coming in, looking at an obvious murder.

DET. MUNROE:

Look at the scene. This was inhuman.

FORESNICS SPECIALIST 1:

I can assure you, as the forensic analyst here, the parts we can identify are very human.

DET. MUNROE:

Like that?

FORESNICS SPECIALIST 1:

That's a spleen.

DET. MUNROE:

And that?

FORESNICS SPECIALIST 1:

Kidney.

DET. MUNROE:

And that?!

FORESNICS SPECIALIST 1:

Egg sack.

They both stare at each other for a beat.

FORESNICS SPECIALIST 1:

All of us humans have those...

The scientist looks shifty.

FORESNICS SPECIALIST 1:

I'm going to get a coffee.

Next we go to an interrogation scene, with the two detectives sitting across from their perp.

PERP:

I tells ya, I aint talkin' til my lawyer gets here!

SFX: KNOCK KNOCK

In walks Lucifer Morningstar, JD, ducking to fit his massive horns in through the door frame. He shakes hands with the cops.

SATAN:

Detective Munroe, pleased to meet you and, oh, Douglas. I believe we have an appointment later today.

Munroe gives his partner a steely look.

Since this is Law & Order we'll now jump over to the court side of things. A court room, packed with the judge, jurors, and onlookers. A lawyer, visibly upset approaches the bench.

ATTORNEY JONES:

Your honor! He's guilty! If you would just let us submit this evi-

JUDGE:

CASE DISMISSED!

The camera pans to the Jack in the Box, sitting at the defendants side of the room. The evil puppet smiles and slowly rubs it's hands.

FADE TO BLACK

SFX: DONG DONG

And finally, a little tag scene back at the offices of the attorneys.

ATTORNEY JONES:

He should be in jail now. What was that judge thinking?!

ATTORNEY SMITH:

We have to let it go and move on. I don't know how we could have won that case with a biased judge like that.

ATTORNEY JONES:

I know one way.

They both turn and look over at the monkey's paw, with one finger still outstretched.

ATTORNEY SMITH:

No! We swore we wouldn't use it again!

FADE TO BLACK

SFX: DONG DONG

And that's what I've got. Yes, it's silly. I doubt you could even mine enough of this for a full episode of TV. But skits like this, in something like Robot Chicken? Yeah, I could see that working. It's funny, but you certainly wouldn't want it to linger for too long.

But then, I feel the same way about Law & Order, and somehow that copaganda has lingered for going on thirty years.