Call of the Mild

The success of Conan the Barbarian in 1982 seemingly set the whole of Hollywood on making their own barbarian epics. Another Conan movie, a Red Sonja movie, cheap and crappy barbarian cashins from the likes of Roger Corman and every two-bit Italian filmmaker at the time (who were also making every horror and sci-fi knock off you could think of). The glut of Conan-likes was brief, but burned bright, and by the time the second Conan film came along in 1984, it had almost completely burned itself out. Hell, once Masters of the Universe came along in 1987, to milk the last bits of money from a dying brand and the dying barbarian genre, you could basically slide a fated sword into the heart of every barbarian. They were cooked.

But among the Conan-likes that did find success (on TV, after its initial run) was a film that likely wasn’t meant to piggyback on Conan the Barbarian at all. The visual language of Conan came not from the stories written by Robert E. Howard but the covers for those books drawn by Frank Frazetta and the Marvel comics run of the 1970s that drew direct inspiration from those covers. Big, hulking, bare-chested men swinging giant swords against a backdrop of deserts and mountainous vistas, while scantily-clad women clutched their beefy thighs. This led some producers to rework a script about a Navajo warrior talking to animals in a sci-fi future into a barbarian epic, and suddenly The Beastmaster was born.

To be clear, whatever the intention was in the development of The Beastmaster, whatever the producers who reworked the script and the people working on the film wanted to make, this is a Conan-clone in the minds of viewers. It came out a few months after Conan the Barbarian, it uses the same visual language, the same storytelling tropes. Parallel development only benefits the film that comes out first, and The Beastmaster was beaten to the punch by Arnold Schwarzenegger. There was no way it could compete.

Although, also, in every way The Beastmaster is an inferior film. It’s tedious, tired, silly, and pretty dumb overall. It feels like a watered down, more family friendly version of a barbarian epic. It’s a less interesting, less well made version of a barbarian epic, and the whole reason why it’s lived on in the minds of fans is because of its goofy premise: a barbarian who can talk to animals and uses them as his faithful companions. There’s iconic imagery to that concept, with our barbarian hero walking the grand vistas with his panther, his eagle swooping behind him. In practice, though, it doesn’t make the film better. It’s just one more goofy bit of weirdness in a film that truly doesn’t work.

The hero of this “epic” is Dar (played by Marc Singer, Billy Jacoby as a child). Before Dar was even born he was the subject of the machinations of an evil priest, Maax (Rip Torn). Due to a prophecy that stated Maxx would die at the hands of the king’s unborn son, he put a plan into motion to kill the child. It was stolen away from the mother’s womb, killing her in the process, and the king was captured and blinded. The child was then taken off to be sacrificed, but that plan was foiled when a kindly farmer came along, killed the priestess that was going to kill the boy, and took the child home to raise as his own.

Years later, that child is now a man living in a farming community. It’s a peaceful life and he feels no threat… right up until the dark armies, led by Maxx, invade and kill everyone save Dar. He somehow survives, saved by his faithful dog (who then dies). Taking up his fallen adoptive fathers sword, Dar swears to find the people responsible for this injustice. He picks up animal companions along the way – an eagle, a panther, two ferrets – and heads out to find Maxx and his followers and bring them all to justice.

I am of two minds about The Beastmaster. On the one hand, yes, the film does nail the look and feel of a barbarian epic. Considering they had to make this film before even seeing Conan the Barbarian (to get a feel for how that film handled things), and considering the film was done on less than half the budget of that bigger, more successful film (only $9 Mil to bring the Beastmaster to life), it’s a credit that they got a film as solid looking as they did. It is probably easy when you only have to construct a few barebones sets and, for the most part, just film out in barren wilderness, but still, they did a decent job.

And, credit where it’s due, the acting in the film is decent enough. Marc Singer (who would go on to star in V, Dallas, and two more films based on The Beastmaster) is solid in the lead. He’s not given a whole hell of a lot to do besides run around shirtless and talk at animals, but he makes that convincing, bringing a certain level of charisma to the film. Other character actors, like John Amos and Tony Epper, are good as well here, doing their thing with the right level of investment. It’s Rip Torn who has the most fun, chewing his few minutes of scenery in the film as the over-the-top villain.

Where the film fails is in the story and pacing. The fact of the matter is that there isn’t much of a story. The movie is close to two hours long, and most of that time is spent watching sweeping shots of the hero wandering around, going from place to place. It’s worth noting there’s really only three places he can go – home, the villain’s city, and a random enclave of creepy bird people – and somehow half the film is spent watching him wandering. It’s such a long, drawn out film that you sit there wondering why the producers thought all this was important to watch.

Of course, if you cut all that out, as well as any other padding, just focusing on characters and action… well, there isn’t much left of the film. You’d probably be able to condense this movie down to an easy hour-twenty, which, actually, that’s probably what they did for the TV cut of the film, which just by grace of having less would likely have been far more watchable. The basic cable version of the film is what most people saw back in the day, and it’s what gave this film such a cult following. It’s hard to see the appeal when you’re watching the full two hours of film.

Even the action really doesn’t help the film. There are multiple sword fights, and a few big battle scenes, but there’s no real thrill to it. Part of the problem is that no one in the film actually knows how to sword fight, so everything is obviously telegraphed and painful to watch. But then, all the characters also have plot armor. Not a single person that you could care about in the film is ever in real danger, and the movie doesn’t even try to disguise it. This film is in love with the characters and just wants them to be happy, and that makes for really boring action.

I get the appeal of The Beastmaster, don’t get me wrong. It has the potential to be a fun and goofy swords-and-sandals epic starring a dude that can talk to animals. In the right hands that could be the dumbest, best kind of popcorn flick. But The Beastmaster has none of the charm of creativity to actually sell that kind of story. It’s long, it’s boring, and it’s pretty dull overall. Whatever fun could be had is stretched out way past its limit until the film becomes a tired slog. I wanted to like The Beastmaster, but the film had other ideas.